Last year I went to a funeral of a pretty amazing man. There were around 400 people there. Mind you, they lived in a small, isolated town of less than 250 residents. They held the services in the high school gym, as it was the biggest gathering place in town, and had to cut the viewing off due to the number of attendees. I asked myself, why had so many people made the effort to show up for closure and a celebration of this man’s life? What had he done throughout his life that had created so many friendships, so many strong connections?
As I watch the current state of our world, I think of this man’s life, looking for direction in the best way to go about our differences.
And am I ever hearing difference! And in all the differences, I hear you. I hear the “stay-in” and the “can’t force me to/constitutional rights” arguments, the “open things up,” and the “not yet” arguments, the “masks verses no masks” argument. I hear you all.
And I realize, I’m sad. I’m sad something that could be used to bring us together (and it has in so many ways) is now one more thing on the list of things that has started to divide us.
I know of virtually no topic that has only one side. That being the case, nearly everything we do that allows us to come in contact with others will also allow for us converse with those that may believe differently than we do.
When you have a deep-rooted belief and you are confronted with the opposite belief, how do you act? How do you present? How do you treat the other party? (This is where many will stop reading, as looking at ourselves honestly can be hard.)
I recall the specifics of a topic when I was in my grad program. It was about the ineffectiveness of the “call-out” (basically to challenge another’s belief in a public setting, often times the underlying goal is to prove your “rightness” and their “wrongness.”). For whatever reason, this particular lesson really stuck with me (thank you Dr. Elliot!).
The question was asked, “How many of you have changed your stance because of a call-out?” Then we sat…and thought. After discussion, another question, “What are effective ways that have helped you see another’s side/opinion?” Then we sat…and thought.
The answer to the first was that none of us recalled changing, but actually found ourselves digging our heels in deeper when we were “called-out.” We did not want to listen to the person, and in fact, did not really want to be around them. I don’t recall the exact answers to the second (only that there were several), so I went on a search. What I found are some of the following.
Perhaps you heard of the “talking stick?” The idea of the talking stick comes from the First People. When there are things to be discussed, you may only talk if you are holding the stick (First people, n.d.). Another great part of this is that when you are not holding the stick, you still have a job. The job is to respect and listen to the person talking. You are listening, not to challenge or rehash what has been said, but to find ways you connect, might be similar, or why the differences in the first place.
What would it be like for us to really allow ourselves to listen and hear the person speaking?
Then, in listening to them, what might it be like if we were to honor where that person came from, their experiences, and the reason they have their opinion, realizing there may be validity to their stance, as opposed to trying to find the “wrongness” in their opinion. We are all a product of our upbringing. Our beliefs most often are from different experiences, lending to the idea of different core values.
If you have not listened to Megan Phelps-Roper’s (2017, link provided in recourses) TED talk, I encourage you to do so. Though her story is based on her religious experience and what her experiences were in leaving that group, her lessons in how to communicate with those who may have different values is pretty amazing. Her thoughts in assuming good intent, as opposed to bad intent, from others, and the fact that we often forget the other’s humanness and feelings, is pretty amazing. Her suggestion of how to ask questions and engage, will show you care; and her shared idea that we hold the ability to stay calm, are both huge factors in positive movement and communication.
Megan Phelps-Roper is not the only one with these ideas. Wesley Goo (April 2020, link provided below), speaks to the idea that it’s not so much the side we are on, but the kind of person we are, how we treat others, and how we behave in our differences is what allows us to “Stay above it!”
A beer even speaks about it! Though there is some controversy around this video, the idea that we take a moment to build on our relationships with those we have different views from, may very well allow for us to have connections in a way we never would have been able to otherwise (Worlds Apart, 2017, link below).
I have watched and seen the fact that we often fear positive communication with others if they have different beliefs. We worry this may suggest we agree with them. Have you ever paused to ask yourself why it’s so important that your way is the only and/or right way? And why might the other party feel the same?
I grew up watching the man from the funeral sit with those with opposed views from his. Then, I watched them walk away, without distain and anger toward each other, but the ability to talk with each other, and even be friends. As a child, I had no understanding of his ways. As a counselor, I have tried to put words and understanding to it.
I now realize my father did not have expectations for others to have the same beliefs as he did. I never saw him take offense when someone believed differently. He seemed to really listen to the person’s view and try to understand it. I even saw him study the opposing view at times. I realize now this was not because he was looking for a different way to be, because he did not change his ways or beliefs politically, religiously, or in humanity, because of something someone shared with him. But what he did do was try to understand the other’s point of view so he could connect with them in their ways of being. He was open to discussion in differences and many times I heard him say he did not understand why people couldn’t just have a conversation about their differences and be nice while doing it.
In order to begin this change within us, then our homes, then even possibly our communities, we need to show up and actually engage in the behaviors that foster connection in our differences. Showing up is not pretending we do not have differences or that they do not matter, rather, in showing up, using these tools, will allow us the opportunity to have lasting connections we never knew we could have. But it is up to us, individually. What will you decide?
Resources:
First People; American Indian Legends (n.d.) Retrieved from: https://www.firstpeople.us/FP-Html-Legends/TraditionalTalkingStick-Unknown.html
Goo, W. (2020). Stay above it. Retrieved from: https://www.facebook.com/wesleygoo?__tn__=%2CdCH-R-R&eid=ARCWUaaydUslyNZUCDnwdusCmeIfZuHsc8_uaSLVYEt_pjsDGO9vxQqZ0wCLDigxsV9djo2vJ5Bu2eQ3&hc_ref=ARQ-0AFSqWWHH-wOq7dNU5u7nnXEHezqe6y7NceR8S94V1XFwLU0FfCgMxZ0FsNsEE8&fref=nf
Worlds apart (2017). Opposing views finding common ground. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etIqln7vT4w
About the Author:
Kory Ann Rogers, LCPC, ACLC
Kory Ann believes people are born good and have an innate drive to constantly do better. She also believe when things happen in our lives that prevent us from reaching that potential, we may need gentle guidance to help us reach the potential we desire.
Kory Ann believes counseling can be, and is, very effective when both parties work for the desired outcome. As a counselor, she will work with you to help you reach your personal goals. Her goal is to aid, support, guide, and advocate for you during this time