“Everyone seems to have their sh*t together!” This tearful statement came from an amazing, strong woman who, in being willing to let me share her sentiment with others, finds herself in a situation similar to many of us right now.
The words I currently hear over and over in my office (thank you telehealth), and from friends and family are, scary, lonely, fear, confused. I hear fears of, “Does the store have toilet paper?” “What if the stores run out of food?” “What can I find to cook during a quarantine?” “How can I keep myself and/or my kids busy during a lockdown?” “How do I connect with others during COVID19?” “How long will our school be closed?” “Am I going crazy?!”
These fears and questions are more and more the norm right now. Maybe you find yourself here?
You may feel like you are one of the only ones experiencing these questions and emotions, and wondering why it looks like everyone else is doing okay?! Why it looks like everyone else has their sh*t together?
Maybe you do have it together!
And maybe you find yourself falling in to these different categories at different times.
My heart hurts as I am hearing the sadness many of you have, more and more surrounding escalation in fighting, feeling quicker to anger, short tempers, irrational thoughts, snapping easily, and less patience in the relationships that mean the most to us. Even though this feels like a crazy time, I’m guessing crazy isn’t what you wanted more time together at home to look like.
I’ve heard worries of “should.” What should I do? Should I have……? With these questions, what can you do right now to calm the worry and anxiety, become closer to those important relationships, and/or strengthen what you do have?
You’ll hear all kinds of suggestions to these questions right now. Homeschool your kids. Don’t homeschool your kids. Allow extra screen time. Don’t allow extra screen time. Get off social media. Connect through social media. Introduce something new/exciting in to your routine. Don’t mess with your routine. Keep exercising and eating good. Don’t stress yourself out over exercising and eating good. Keep a schedule. Don’t stress about a schedule.
What is the right thing to do?! What if I told you none of them are right? But neither are any of them wrong. Stay with me for a minute!
What would it be like to give yourself permission to honor what is best for you and your situation only and really don’t worry about what others are doing or not doing? Whoa. Hold on right there. What just happened inside of you when I asked you to really not worry about that others are doing or not doing? Hmmm…might wanna hold on to that one.
Why? I think this is part of the problem. We are doing a lot of comparing and questioning what others are doing, maybe more than normal (well, we do have extra time on our hands). Social media appears to have created a monster in the arena of comparison in “should,” “I see so-and-so doing it,” “I need to, too,” “I’m the worst because I never (or always)……..”
So what if you do introduce something new in to your routine? And, so what if you don’t? Ask yourself if you did it (or didn’t do it) because you were worried what other’s might think/say/do? If so, how much of what you do is driven by this, and how much anxiety is produced because of it?
If we let it, how we act toward those in our circle can be because we are worried what our actions might look like to others. What might your boss think if you are not as productive? A neighbor if you are not as active? A parent if you form a different opinion? Society it you/your children watch TV? How much of how you are acting toward your loved ones is actually what is going on with you? That one hurts me to think about because sometimes I feel like I am failing when I answer myself.
What would it be like for you to give yourself permission to be wherever you are? Let me explain: When you are alone, are you thinking of what you could be doing for work? When you are working, are you thinking you should be spending time with your spouse? When you are with your spouse, are you thinking of all the things you need to help the kids with? When you are with the kids are you thinking of how much you need a few minutes to yourself? And when you are thinking of the other place, is your anxiety being projected on to who you are with?
What if you decided to only focus on the moment you are in and “wherever you are, be there?” I mean, really be present. What would that be like for you? This isn’t saying you should not have expectations for yourself or fill certain other expectations. We would stop as a world if none of us did those things. It is about the balance, the sometimes.
Self-disclosure: I just ate three giant handfuls of Doritos (Is it better if the bag said organic?). Mind you, that was after several Cadbury mini eggs and the no bake cookie my son made. My kids are on a baking spree, and I’m on a “my pants won’t fit soon” marathon. Why am I sharing this? Because sometimes I think it’s okay if we don’t have our sh*t together.
During the other times: Some things that can help (remember, pick a few, let the other things go. It’s okay if not everything gets done on the list sometimes!):
“Wherever you are, be there.” Be present in the moment.
Slow down/Relax/Do nothing….sometimes! Let go of expectations of “should,” lists, and that you are not successful if you don’t (fill in the blank).
Connect…sometimes: (Brene’ Brown tells us that as humans we are wired to connect. It’s important! But make sure your way of connecting with others is not consuming you to the point of not being able to engage in other things)
• Find a digital community of people with common interests
• Get in touch with someone you haven’t spoken to in awhile
• Finding new tools and apps that help optimize social interactions-
Zoom, WebEx, and I am sure many more.
Find Things To Do/Distractions/Activities…sometimes:
Household chores, such as spring cleaning (can help with a sense of purpose and accomplishment)
Free online university courses
Movies and/or TV programs online
Virtual parishes, which the Pope and other faith leaders are offering, can help maintain religious connections. -nami.org
bubble baths
journaling
walks
games with others (either online or in your home if others are there with you),
baking
tell stories
dance
write and mail a letter
build forts
have a picnic on your floor or in your back yard
meditation- (apps like Calm can help)
in house treasure hunts, picture scavenger hunts (with phones for older kids)
ask questions and get to know each other again!
Service: sometimes…(are you seeing a pattern here?): This can create a sense of purpose, accomplishment, connection, and even help us forget what we might be going through at the time.
About the author: Kory Ann Rogers, MS, LCPC, ACLC
Kory Ann believes people are born good and have an innate drive to constantly do better. She also believe when things happen in our lives that prevent us from reaching that potential, we may need gentle guidance to help us reach the potential we desire.
Kory Ann believes counseling can be, and is, very effective when both parties work for the desired outcome. As a counselor, she will work with you to help you reach your personal goals. Her goal is to aid, support, guide, and advocate for you during this time.