How to Address an Eating Disorder With Someone You Love
I’ve spent the last ten years of my life in various phases of an eating disorder and recovery. Anorexia, binging, orthorexia, excessive exercise, weight gain, food freedom, recovery.
it’s hard to wrap your head around what “recovery” really looks like unless you’ve gone through it. But, to an outsider, it can be confusing, frustrating, disconnecting, and downright scary at times. There is a complexity to an eating disorder that can make recovery extremely difficult to comprehend, for both those suffering and loved ones of individuals suffering.
I’ve written about my experiences with the phases of recovery; you can find them here and here. Those articles were important to me as I recovered. But, a side I have not yet written about is what it’s like to be an outsider, watching someone you love who is struggling with some variety of an eating disorder. It’s a delicate subject to approach, but also one that needs to be addressed as eating disorders can be deadly if not treated.
Having an eating disorder does not mean starving yourself
The six eating disorders included in the American Psychiatric Association’s DSM-5 include
pica
rumination disorder
avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder
anorexia nervosa
bulimia nervosa
and binge eating disorder
These six do not cover all the variations of ways eating can be disordered, however it can be a good place to start. I won’t spend time here dissecting each one individually, however, I would encourage you to look up information on your own or talk to a professional in the medical field.
There are many signs related to disordered eating. Some look restrictive, some may seem like excessive intake, over-exercising, scrutinizing over every ingredient and calorie, and isolation, to name a few. If you notice someone you love practicing one or more of these, take note. If the patterns continue, it may be time to have a conversation about it with them. This conversation will be challenging and can set a tone for the possibility of recovery or willingness to take those first steps. Handle with care!
Talking to a Loved One About Their Disorderd Eating
I think about the first person who “called me out” (thanks, Nicki) on my eating habits and weight loss and I remember it being a delicate conversation filled with love and concern. We talked about things she had noticed in me around weight and food and encouraged me to seek out a mental health professional. Telling a person with an eating disorder to “just eat more” or “stop whatever it is your doing” can immediately create distance and defense. Rule number one, don’t tell someone who is struggling to do something different. Instead, take the approach of curiosity and a willingness to understand. Nothing will change overnight.
It seems like a common misconception that by just addressing the issue or telling someone to eat more will automatically change the behavior.
Often, eating disorders are rooted in anxiety, control, and are in some ways a strategy to cope with additional stressors in life. For me, I wanted to run faster and was full of anxiety. Food was a way to control something in my life that also increased my likelihood to run faster (but only for a short time). Ironically, starving myself only caused more anxiety and pretty significant depression. It is a vicious cycle that can be difficult to break out of.
Listen and Tell Them You Care
What a person who is struggling with an eating disorder needs is someone who will not judge. They need a person who will be there for the breakthroughs and setbacks, and to show unconditional love and positive regard.
It will be difficult to watch someone you love walk through the trenches of disordered eating and recovery. It won’t be pretty. As an outsider, you will more than likely feel uncomfortable, helpless, and angry. Change may take years. And it’s important to know that it is not on you to fix that person. If you show love and care, you’ve done your job. Something that can be hard to wrap your head around is that there will be consequences for disordered eating.
For me, it was multiple injuries within 14 months that ultimately ended my running career. I felt destroyed, knew nothing about myself, and had to rebuild from the ground up. I can only imagine how painful it was for my friends and family to see this.
Believe Change is Possible
Here’s the kicker though, people are stronger than you think. The person with an eating disorder will recover, and if you continue to support through it all, the chances of recovery are higher. To this day, there are people who walked through all the phases of recovery with me and now better understand the process. The people that were most imperative to my recovery process were the ones who checked in, challenged me in a gentle way, and did not remove themselves from my life when it was too agonizing to watch the self-destruction. It is not easy to be a loved one on the outside of an eating disorder, however, you can sometimes have the biggest impact.
Show Unconditional Support
I am thankful for the people in my corner, my recovery team. While I don’t see all the feelings of an eating disorder ever totally going away, I am confident enough to challenge those thoughts and continue to work through recovery for myself. If I could break down the three most important parts to recovery (for me as it is individual), it would be to have unconditional love, which sometimes means you will be challenged by your thoughts and behaviors, finding ways to define yourself outside of an eating disorder, and be gentle with yourself in the process. There is no timeline, but recovery can start with just one conversation.
Begin Therapy for Body Image in Bozeman, MT
If you would like to schedule an appointment for body image therapy in Bozeman, MT you can contact our Bozeman, MT-based counseling practice. Our team of caring therapists would love to meet you and begin your healing journey.
Other Services at Bridger Peaks near Big Sky, MT
Our counseling practice in the Bozeman, MT area can help you and your family members with many mental health concerns. We see teens and adults for individual counseling, which includes depression therapy, anxiety treatment, and more. Reach out to our caring therapists with any questions.
About the Author: Dani Stack, MS, PCLC
About The Author: Dani Stack
I am enough. When you hear that, do you believe it? To me, being “enough” is worthy of love, self-care, taking up space, and feeling capable of handling all the emotions, challenges and victories that come with life. Sometimes, our beliefs can navigate us away from a place that we feel we are enough. Dani wants you to help you own the belief you are enough, take away any doubt you may have and embody being enough and everything that comes with it.
She believes connection is vital to a positive therapeutic experience. She connects with my clients by creating a space for you to show up just as you are and meet you there. She takes an eclectic approach that is rooted in person-centered and strength based, with a focus on your needs and goals. After all, therapy is about you.