It’s suddenly just the two of you. The guests have gone, the lights faded, the music has died; the cake sits waiting to be finished. You turn and look at each other for the first time as a married couple. The bliss you just know lies before you waits to be experienced. You’ve seen it! It’s in the movies all the time!
Maybe this bliss has not been your experience, though. Perhaps, one or both of you realized the time, money, and energy (possibly years of these) put into the wedding planning was such a focus that no one remembered to check in on the relationship. The pictures, food, venue, guest list, etc., etc., etc., made your relationship take a back seat. And now, you're left trying to figure out what the relationship looks like after the whole event of getting married. No one informed you of the really important stuff to help you through one of the hardest, yet most rewarding, relationships in your life. You may be asking yourself things like "why hasn’t it been like the fairytales?" or "are we the only ones that experience this?" And, you might even wonder "what if we don’t love each other like we thought we did before?!" or "when does it turn out like the movies?"
Strengthening Your Relationship
If you have read other things I’ve written, you might be able to predict the next line. As a marriage counselor, I often say "that’s okay!" It’s okay to ask those questions, to feel whatever way you do, and to worry and wonder.
Your commitment to each other may have been recently, or some time ago. If you are married and in a good relationship, or married and in a relationship that is struggling, read on! You might be in a committed, long-term relationship. Or, maybe you are just “thinging” and trying to decide to take it to the level of dating.
The fact of the matter is, you do not need to be married to learn and apply tools to help create a healthy relationship. But what you do need to get there is to actually use the tools after learning them. Turns out, it really never is too late to learn. Keep reading for 11 tools for strengthening your relationship.
Crisis Mode
Many couples come into my office in crisis mode. They worry that it's too late and that there is no hope for the relationship considering where they are and what they have gone through together. However, many of these couples find hope, happiness, and fulfillment in their relationships when they did not think it was possible. Did I mention they found perfection during our time together? Nope! So if your expectation of a relationship is perfection, it may be helpful for you to look into an article about changing expectations.
In my years as a marriage counselor, I don’t think I have ever had a couple come into my office that hasn't mentioned they "wish we had known that before." Often, couples say the tools they learn in marriage counseling would have been helpful to their relationship much earlier. In fact, they wish they'd known the skills before they'd made a commitment to each other. A few of the couples I've worked with underwent premarital counseling or pre-commitment counseling. However, few couples do this.
As a marriage counselor, I believe that premarital and pre-commitment counseling should be more widely encouraged. There would be fewer couples coming into marriage counseling in crisis with divorce as their last resort. When couples come to marriage counseling in crisis, the pain, hurt, and frustration have been avoided and pent-up for a while. But, if they would have put in as much energy into the relationship post-commitment as they did before the wedding, they may have never needed my help.
There Is No Perfect Relationship
I wish I could say there was such a thing as a perfect relationship, but we know the answer to that. Though there are those couples we look at and wonder how it can be so easy for them (#relationshipgoals), it’s not that easy for anyone. Maybe we want that perfect relationship because their life looks easy or their spouse doesn’t do X, Y, or Z like you feel yours does. But, what makes a relationship strong is when couples engage in things beneficial to the relationship and also disengage from things that are harmful.
Here are 11 tools I've seen connected, healthy couples engage in. These tips are never too late to learn for strengthening your relationship.
Create a Safe Space
1 - I have noticed that successful couples create and provide a safe space for their partner. This safe space is free of judgment, hard tones or huffing, and negative body language (eye-rolling, arm-crossing, or turning away). In this safe space, partners can discuss topics that could be or previously have been confrontational. In addition, partners focus on "help me understand where you are coming from" instead of blaming, shaming, or rejecting. This helps both partners hear each other instead of just preparing to respond.
Your relationship's safe space needs active listening skills when responding. Validate your partner and ask for clarification to ensure you hear and understand where they are coming from. Share how you feel with I-statements (state how you feel as opposed to blaming your partner for why there is a problem). Hint: “I feel like you are a “****” is not an I-statement. Do this with the understanding your goal is not to adopt or change your partner’s opinion, but to better understand and respect them in theirs.
Get to Know Your Partner
2 - Once communication can be exchanged successfully, move on to really getting to know each other. I emphasize really because it’s a thing. Let me explain. I’ve been married for 24 years. About halfway into this adventure, I had been making cheesecake for nearly every event centered around my husband (you know, birthdays, Father’s Day, etc.). Why? Because it was his favorite! This was easy for me to know because we have known each other since we were 12 and 14, so I really know him. One day I overheard him in conversation with one of our children. They were discussing desserts, asking back and forth things they liked and did not like. Much to my dismay, my dear husband shared with our child that though he did like cheesecake okay, it was no longer his favorite. And to think, all this time I had been doing him a favor! Ah, yes, the favor in assuming something he wanted. Had I asked him in the decade-plus we had been married if that had changed? Nope. I just assumed I still knew. Here was a piece of humble pie (or cheesecake) for me. How could I not really know my person after all these years?! Confirmation, I had stopped asking. Or as John Gottman puts it, I had not been “enhancing love maps" (1999, see below for more detailed explanation). In other words, we had been living next to each other in a blind type of bliss where we assumed we were fine; and at that point, I suppose we were. However, had we continued without intentionally getting to know each other, it was quite possible we could have ended up in a marital crisis.
GET TO KNOW YOUR PERSON AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN! Think pillow talk, road trips, ask questions, kind humor. Keep talking. Don’t stop.
Offer Praise
3 - I’ve noticed successful couples praise each other. It doesn’t seem to matter if it’s in public or private, they praise. This does not mean they never have a need for the safe-space to confront hard topics. It means that their positive conversations, with and about each other, are more frequent than the negative.
Engage in Vulnerability
4 - These couples are able to be truly vulnerable with each other due to the trust they have for the other. They feel safe and accepted in this vulnerability. And they know it will not be betrayed or used against them later as ammunition. Think of the person you are most connected to. They are most likely the person you are most authentically vulnerable with. What can you do to make your partner that person? (Hint: think love maps.) Remember, in order to be truly vulnerable, one has to feel safe and accepted in what they share (if needed, reread #1).
Relationship Boundaries
5 - I’ve seen these couples put a boundary around their relationship. They make each other a priority. They are willing to say “no” to others when they see it is important to each other and the health of the relationship. They make rituals as a couple and put boundaries around those rituals. Examples of this could be spending breakfast time together without answering a phone call. Or, taking a pause during the workday to send a quick text or make a call just to say you are thinking of the other. And a common one is to make a dedicated date night that is a scheduled priority for both.
Know Their Love Language
6 - Do you ever feel confused why your partner does things for you that you did not ask for or doesn't do certain things that you have asked for?! Do you know your love language? If not, check it out Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages (1995). Do you know if you and/or your partner’s love language is, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, Quality Time, or Physical Touch? Maybe you are working like crazy, trying to show your partner how important they are to you, and they are hurt and upset that you have not been talking to them. Your language may be Acts of Service while your partners may be Words of Affirmation. Both of you are saying you love the other, but neither understand what the other is saying. Knowing each other's love language allows you both to give and receive in an understandable language. And, you can confidently know that you are making an effort with your partner with intention.
Sleep On It
7 - I’ve had successful couples share with me at times they go to bed upset with each other. I know there is an idea out there that one should never go to bed angry with their partner. And this can be true at times. However, I have started to notice a pattern in that, though it may be harder to sleep that night, giving certain heated and emotional topics space and time can lead to a softer conversation the following day. Sleeping on it can make a hard conversation easier to breach, and at times you may even realize the issue was not as big as first thought.
Check-in on dynamics
8 - During these upset times, remember, it is not our partner’s job to “fix” us or “make” us happy (or vice versa). When we allow them to “make” us a certain way, we have given them our power. That is not to say we are not affected by our very important person, it is to say we need to be careful in the power we give them to “make” us be a certain way. We set ourselves up for failure when we charge our partners with the responsibility to make us feel happy. Further, we do the same when their actions and behaviors "make" us angry, upset, or sad, too. They will never win and we just made sure of it as we have trapped them into an unattainable expectation. It's simply not possible to make someone happy all the time. With that being said, failure is sure to come because the person trying to please the other will eventually fail. This can cause them to feel that they will never measure up, while the other one feels that their partner will never succeed.
Hold Yourself Accountable
9 - Remember, you’re not always right (or wrong)! Look at the situation from the other’s point of view and be accountable for your part. And when you’re wrong, apologize. Look for ways to forgive if needed, and do your best to assume your partner’s well intentions.
Partnership
10 - Partner your partner, don’t parent your partner. I’ve noticed when one part of the couple “parents” the other, the relationship can be built on shaky ground. Eventually, the partner being parented finds their voice and pushes back. Before addressing your partner, ask yourself if what you are about to voice is being delivered in a parenting way or a partnering way. If it is a parenting way, ask yourself how you might change your language and tone to help speak to them as an equal. This also helps set each other up for more success within the relationship.
Prioritize Yourself, TOo
11 - Using these tools in relationships can help us in our personal journey like almost no other relationship can. But remember, never stop working on yourself while engaging in couple's work! Find your hobbies and likes, enjoy them, and encourage your partner to find theirs and to enjoy them, too. It’s not only healthy to do things together, it’s healthy to do things apart. Get to know you, too!
Putting all these ideas into one looks like NEVER STOP COURTING YOUR PARTNER. Court each other, date each other, prioritize each other, be accepting of your differences, and grow your connection while loving yourself during the process.
P.S. Most of these tools will work in a majority of your relationships with a little maneuvering, including your kids!
References & More Information
Chapman, G. D. (1995). The five love languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Chicago: Northfield Pub.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
More reading/information because Gottman (1999) knows more than I do in what he’s studied and found the happiest couples engage in more naturally:
Enhancing love maps - This is getting to know your partner’s inner ways, dreams, beliefs, values, and desires. Look up Gottman’s Love Map Questionnaire and use it with your partner. Do you really know all about them?!
Nurturing fondness and admiration - Develop and express appreciation and respect for your partner. Build an emotional bank account so that small missteps do not derail your partnership.
Turning toward each other - Respond to your partner’s bids for connection. Turn toward each other by responding favorably to your spouse's bids for attention, affection, humor, or support. Communicate care, respect, and love by responding positively to your partner’s requests so they know they are valued.
Accepting influence - Accepting influence is sharing power. Making one's spouse a partner in decision-making by taking their opinions and feelings into account is important. Attune to your partner. Acknowledge your partner’s self, dreams, and beliefs, despite potential differences. And, be accepting of those differences when they arise.
Solving solvable problems - Gottman believes solvable problems are situational. In these cases, engage in soft start-ups like leading off the discussion without criticism or contempt. Or, you can express your needs in a positive fashion. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. For example, statements and actions that prevent negativity from escalating out of control and efforts the couple make to deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion. Making and receiving repair attempts can mean soothing yourself and your partner, compromising, and being tolerant of each other's faults to achieve resolution
Overcoming gridlock - According to Gottman, gridlock occurs when one feels rejected by their partner. Nothing changes with discussion (and/or fighting) and they become firm in their positions, unwilling to compromise. Instead of feeling better when they discussing the subject, they end up feeling more frustrated, hurt, and possibly angry. Conversations about the issue had no humor, amusement, or affection and they continue to be less willing to bend their position. This leads each to vilify the other, not only during these conversations but in turn at almost any point. Vilification creates a situation in which one partner becomes more rooted in their position and extreme in their view while continuing to be less willing to compromise. Couples who try to vilify one another will eventually emotionally disengage. Gottman believes that in order to get out of gridlock, there needs to be motivation and a willingness to explore hidden issues. These hidden issues are what is really causing the gridlock. So, couples can move out of gridlock by communicating individual dreams and identifying the underlying conflict.
Creating shared meaning - Gottman describes shared meaning as a spiritual dimension to marriage that is not defined by religion or a higher power. Instead, it has to do with creating an inner life…together. In this life is a culture rich with symbols and rituals as well as an appreciation for each other. Appreciating each other includes the partner's roles and goals that link them TOGETHER. This leads them to an understanding of what it means to be a part of the family they have become. According to Gottman, when a marriage has a shared sense of meaning, conflict is much less intense and perpetual problems are less likely to lead to gridlock. In short, create a family culture that encompasses both partners’ dreams.
About the Author: Kory Ann Rogers, MS, LCPC, ACLC
I believe people are born good and have an innate drive to constantly do better. I also believe when things happen in our lives that prevent us from reaching our potential, we need gentle guidance to help us reach our dream. Working together, we will strive to find the ways that will individually suit you and use your strengths to help you reach your personal goals. Having worked with individuals from age 7 to 90, couples, individuals, and families, there is a need for diversity in counseling to reach each person where they are.
As a marriage counselor, I work with couples to resolve conflict, improve relational satisfaction, communication skills, and gain an understanding of dysfunctional interactions. Working with families, we seek to reduce distress and conflict by improving interactions. When part of the system is cracked, broken, or just needs work, the guidance of counseling can be helpful.
Counseling can be, and is, very effective when both parties work for the desired outcome. As a counselor, I will work with you to help you reach your personal goals. My goal is to aid, support, guide, and advocate for you during this time.
Specializations include:
-Marriage and Family Therapy, Mood Disorders, Anxiety Disorders and Adjustment Disorders
Begin Couples Therapy and Marriage Counseling in Bozeman, MT
If you would like to schedule an appointment with Kory Ann, you can contact her directly at (406) 404-6295 or by contacting our Bozeman, MT-based counseling practice. Any of our couples therapists and marriage counselors would be happy to meet with you.
Other Services at Bridger Peaks in Bozeman, MT
Our counseling practice in the Bozeman, MT area can help you and your family members with many mental health concerns. We see teens and adults for individual counseling, which includes depression therapy, anxiety treatment, body image counseling, and more. Plus, all of our services are offered to anyone in the state of Montana using online therapy! Reach out to our caring therapists with any questions.