Boundaries are something we hear a lot these days. But what about boundaries when it comes to family? It’s hard to create boundaries with family, and even harder when it’s with in-laws. How do we talk to our parents, brothers, sisters, and in-laws when we need to put boundaries in place?
Family Boundaries
The idea of setting boundaries can bring up a lot of fears of abandonment. We don’t want to disappoint or upset our loved ones. However, avoiding problems can create conflict in itself. So, what are boundaries? Google defines boundaries as "guidelines, rules, or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits."
To develop good boundaries, we need to recognize what we want or need in certain situations. “In instances where our boundaries have not been respected or heard, this can be difficult to identify because we may not realize that we have a 'right' to set boundaries in the first place,” says Juli Fraga. She is a licensed psychologist based in San Francisco, who focuses on women’s health and wellness.
“A healthy boundary is one where each person understands that they have their own thoughts and feelings and they are able to maintain a curiosity about the other person’s thoughts and feelings without making assumptions,” says Carlene MacMillan, a psychiatrist and the founder and clinic director of Brooklyn Minds Psychiatry. Healthy boundaries aren't rigid. They're flexible and open to some negotiation. As Fraga says, “They recognize the other person’s point of view and are respected by others.”
Boundaries with Toxic Family
Toxic boundaries are non-negotiable. This means that often when someone tries to speak up or start a healthy, constructive dialogue, the person with toxic boundaries becomes critical or enraged. Or, as MacMillan says, a toxic relationship is like the experience of using an ATM machine that always takes money from you but never dispenses it. “You continually devote emotional resources toward the relationship, but feel taken advantage of and depleted in return.” When toxic boundaries are present, disappointment, confusion, and resentment are likely present, too.
Setting Family Boundaries
According to MacMillan, the first step to setting boundaries in challenging relationships is being explicit about your expectation. And, you should not assume the family member already knows what you need. “Be prepared to tell them more than once,” she says. It can also be helpful to emphasize that good boundaries strengthen relationships. So, by communicating your boundaries to the person, you're hoping to reinforce your bond.
Every situation is different, but if a family member brings more harm than good into your life, it could be time to cut off the relationship. This can be a very painful and hard choice to make, but a necessary one if you feel it has become abusive. Before you make a decision to end the relationship, talk through it with someone you trust such as a close friend or therapist.
Working on Boundaries with a Therapist
If having these open discussions with family isn’t received well and you feel you have hit a roadblock, talking to a therapist can help. Working with a therapist to discuss your family dynamics and situation can help you feel validated and heard. Additionally, having an outside perspective could help you gain new insight into something you've been viewing through a zoomed-in lens. Discussing family dynamics and boundaries with a therapist can help you to find new ways to create healthy boundaries.
About the Author: Rachael Myers, MSW, LCSW
They often say the most difficult part of therapy "is walking through the door." I believe there is truth to that statement. Therapy is not only an investment in yourself, but it's an investment in your life. Effective therapy can be a powerful way to achieving happiness, acceptance, and greater life satisfaction.
The choice of a counselor is an important one. It is my belief the relationship between the therapist and client is the foundation for successful therapy. My goal is to provide clients with a non-judgmental, empathetic, genuine, and collaborative environment.
Rachael Myers, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), graduated in 2011 from Belhaven University, where she received a Bachelor of Science in Psychology. In 2014, she earned a Masters of Social Work (MSW) from Southern University at New Orleans. Rachael has experience in outpatient and inpatient mental health hospitals, working with personality disorders, mood disorders, and addictive disorders. She has completed an externship and core skills 1 in Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT) to increase her skills in couples counseling.
As a therapist, she is able to integrate her knowledge of mental health issues to help couples, families, and individuals problem-solve, overcome personal issues, and work toward positive outcomes in relationships. In her practice, Rachael believes in a holistic approach. She has an attachment-based foundation and incorporates a variety of therapeutic methodologies based on the individual client needs.
Begin Therapy in Bozeman, MT
Working with a therapist to learn about setting boundaries is an act of self-care. We believe that learning about and setting boundaries with family can help you grow in not only your relationships with others, but with yourself. If you’re ready to begin counseling at our Bozeman, MT-based counseling practice, follow the steps below.
Start meeting with one of our empathetic therapists.
Set boundaries and feel confident in your relationships.
Counseling Services at Bridger Peaks
The skilled therapists at our counseling practice in Bozeman, MT provide many services. Whether you’re in need of individual counseling or marriage counseling, we can help. Furthermore, we provide anxiety treatment and depression therapy. And, all of our services are accessible using online therapy in Montana.