I’ve always prided myself in playing defense. As a short, feisty basketball player back in the “glory days” I felt confident in my defensive skills. I thrived off following the ball, not unlike my dog, and doing everything I could to take hold of it. In some instances, I would go overboard, accumulating a foul, and quickly being reminded of the line in which too much defense ends in consequences.

If you’ve made it through the first paragraph, you might be wondering, where is this basketball analogy going. If you are unfamiliar with the game, then you may find yourself totally lost. Regardless, the key word I want to highlight is defense and I challenge you to consider where in life you may be playing defense, and what purpose is it serving you?

When I consider defense as a clinician, I often think about relationships and how common it is for both parties to put up defenses, closing off any easy way of communicating issues. It is a protective factor that is put into place to shelter the individual, however, it can create a barrier that intensifies the situation.

There are a few tactics you might find yourself in when you decide to put your defenses up. Below is a list from PsychCentral of defense tactics that are often used in relational conflict.

Placating- a person decides to overlook any feedback and brush it aside, such as “yes, okay, sounds good.”

Invalidating- while perhaps self-explanatory, this involves undermining what the other person’s experience is.

Guilting and Globalizing- avoid providing any feedback by turning the conversation inward and playing victim to the person who is attempting to communicate something they feel important. “You always do this to me. It’s all my fault. I’m never good enough for you.”

Narrowing- choosing to not address the issue and instead creating excuses as to why you cannot have this conversation or why perhaps you had a certain reaction. “I got stuck at work and had a really long day.”

Bullying- an intimidation factor that is used to make the other person feel lesser and often times closes off any feeling of safety to have a conversation with the other person.

Other tactics include ignoring, transferring responsibility, one-upping, stonewalling, denying, and neutralizing. Have you ever found yourself using any of these tactics in a relationship, and if so, can you recall the outcome.

While these tactics may feel like the immediate response, it is important to be mindful of the context. Of course the innate reaction is to protect ourselves but sometimes it’s best to take a time-out. With just a few simple steps, you can change the entire dynamic of the conflict or conversation.

Take a step back! – breathe in and hold back any immediate reaction you may have.
Assess the situation. – where is your partners reaction coming from and have you listened to the context of what is being presented?
Consider the other person’s feelings. – yes, it may be hard in the heat of the moment, but if you allow yourself pause and put yourself in the other person’s shoes, you may have a different outlook on the information being communicated to you.
What is needed in the situation? – even just asking the other person, “what are you needing from me?” can be a powerful tool to show that you are listening, you care, and you want to help.
Listen. – what a unique concept! Many people want to fix or defend the situation, but what is often needed is just a listening ear. When people want advice, they ask for it. Slow down, stopping thinking about the impacts on yourself, and listen to what the other person has to say.

Just as in basketball, it’s okay to have self-preservation, but there is a line. Going over that line results in consequences or fouls. Communication is key; both listening and verbalizing. I encourage you lessen your defense and embrace a bit of empathy. You might be surprised to see what comes of it.