Have you ever felt like you were supposed to be feeling something, but couldn’t quite figure out what it was? Like you’re watching your own emotional life through a foggy window—something’s definitely there, but it’s hard to make out the shapes?

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And you may be brushing up against something called alexithymia.

Let’s break that big word down and explore what it really means, how it shows up in everyday life, and what can actually help if it’s something you—or someone you love—experience regularly.

What Is Alexithymia, Anyway?

First thing’s first: alexithymia isn’t a mental illness. It’s not a disorder or diagnosis in the traditional sense. Rather, it’s a term that describes a particular way of experiencing emotions—or more precisely, struggling to experience them in a way that’s easy to understand or express.

The word itself comes from Greek roots: a (lack), lexis (word), and thymos (emotion). So alexithymia quite literally means “no words for emotions.” And that’s exactly what people with alexithymia often describe: they feel something (maybe), but can’t name it, explain it, or connect it clearly to what's happening around them.

Researchers estimate that about 10% of the population experiences alexithymia to some degree. For some, it’s mild and only shows up in certain situations. For others, it’s more pervasive and affects many areas of life—relationships, work, self-understanding.

What Does Alexithymia Feel Like?

Here’s the thing: emotions are slippery even for people who aren’t alexithymic. But imagine trying to navigate your day-to-day life without a clear sense of whether you’re sad, anxious, excited, or angry. That’s the inner world of someone with alexithymia.

Let’s look at some common experiences people describe:

“I know I’m upset, but I don’t know why.”
There’s a sense of something being “off,” but no way to pin it down. You might feel tense or tired or agitated, but can’t find a name for the emotion or a reason behind it.
Physical sensations instead of emotional clarity.
A lot of people with alexithymia notice that emotions show up in their bodies before (or instead of) their minds. You might feel a tight chest, an upset stomach, or a racing heart—and not know whether it’s fear, anger, or something else entirely.
Trouble connecting with others emotionally.
Conversations that dive into feelings can be uncomfortable or confusing. You might feel unsure of how to respond when someone is vulnerable with you—or feel guilty because you know you should care more, but you just don’t know what to say.
Avoidance of introspection.
Reflecting on your inner world might feel like a frustrating maze with no exit. Therapy, journaling, or even simple “how was your day?” questions can feel like pressure to deliver something you just don’t have access to.

Impact on Relationships and Mental Health

Alexithymia can be incredibly isolating—not because people with it don’t care about others, but because they often struggle to show they care in emotionally fluent ways.

In relationships, this can lead to misunderstandings. A partner might say, “You never open up,” or “You don’t seem affected by what I’m going through,” when in fact, the person with alexithymia does care deeply—they just don’t have the emotional vocabulary or processing tools to express it.

In friendships or workplaces, alexithymia can come across as “cold,” “detached,” or “unempathetic,” even when that’s not the intention at all.

Internally, it can contribute to mental health challenges like:

Depression, especially when unrecognized emotions build up or turn inward.
Anxiety, often stemming from the sense that something bad is going on emotionally, but not knowing what.
Difficulty regulating emotions, which might result in sudden outbursts or shutdowns.

And because alexithymia can interfere with emotional insight, it can make therapy and self-help tools feel frustratingly ineffective—at least at first.

**Okay, So What Helps?**

Here’s the good news: alexithymia is not a dead end. While it’s often thought of as a “trait” (something fairly stable over time), many people experience significant improvement in their emotional awareness and expression—especially with the right kind of support.

Let’s talk about what that support can look like, particularly in the context of weekly therapy.

How Therapy Helps with Alexithymia

Therapy is not about flipping a switch and suddenly becoming emotionally fluent. Instead, think of it as learning a language you were never taught—and practicing it, week by week, in a safe and patient environment.

Some common therapy approaches that can be particularly effective for alexithymia include:

Psychoeducation
This is a fancy word for “learning about how emotions work.” Many therapists start here—helping clients understand what emotions are, how they’re supposed to function, and how they show up physically and cognitively. Naming the experience of alexithymia itself can be deeply validating: “Ohhh, this is a thing. I’m not broken.”
Mindfulness-Based Therapies
Mindfulness is all about noticing what’s happening in the moment, without judgment. For people with alexithymia, this can mean tuning into bodily sensations and gradually connecting those sensations with potential emotional states.
For example: “My chest feels tight and my breathing is shallow. Could that be anxiety? Frustration? Do I feel threatened somehow?”
Practices like body scans, breathwork, and guided journaling can gently reconnect the dots between body, mind, and emotion.
Emotion-Focused Therapy
EFT is specifically designed to help people identify, experience, and express emotions. A therapist might guide you to explore a specific interaction—“When your boss said that, what did you feel?”—and then help you sit with whatever comes up, even if the initial answer is “I don’t know.”
Over time, therapy helps build emotional granularity: the ability to tell the difference between feeling sad, lonely, rejected, or hopeless. (They all feel bad, but they’re not the same!)
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
CBT can help bridge the gap between thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. For example, you might not know that you’re angry—but if you notice you’re clenching your fists, snapping at people, and replaying a conversation in your head over and over, those could be clues.
CBT can also help reframe unhelpful beliefs like “Emotions are useless,” or “If I can’t explain my feelings, they’re not real.”
Creative or Expressive Therapies
Art, music, or writing can be powerful tools for externalizing feelings that don’t yet have words. In therapy, a client might be asked to draw how they feel, or choose a song that matches their internal experience. These approaches bypass the need for verbal clarity and invite emotional expression in more intuitive ways.

A Little Patience Goes a Long Way

If you or someone you care about is dealing with alexithymia, it’s important to approach the process with compassion, not criticism.

Emotional awareness isn’t an ability you either have or don’t have—it’s a skill. And like any skill, it improves with practice, patience, and the right environment.

Weekly therapy offers a steady, supportive space to explore that inner world—without pressure to have all the answers. Some weeks might feel like small steps forward. Other weeks might just be about showing up. That’s okay.

Final Thoughts

Alexithymia can make it hard to connect with yourself and others in the ways you might want to. But it doesn’t have to define your whole story. Whether you’re just beginning to suspect you experience it or you’ve known for years, know this: emotional insight is learnable. Growth is possible.

And if therapy is part of that journey? Even better. One conversation at a time, you can begin to build the emotional language you need to make sense of your world—and connect more deeply with it.