Think about a moment when you were going through something difficult. What happened when you reached out to a trusted person, and they didn’t understand? Most people will say this experience is frustrating, upsetting, or lonely. Now think about a moment you were having a difficult time and the person did get it. How did that feel? Many people will say they feel calmer, relieved, understood, and seen. At our Butte, MT office, as a trauma therapist, I specialize in working with people who have experienced trauma stemming from a lack of support and connection.
What is Secure Attachment?
The feeling of being seen, accepted, and connected is the experience of secure attachment. When a crying infant is picked up and fed, satisfying the pain of hunger, the baby feels a secure connection. When a toddler falls and skins his knee, he might reach out to a nearby caregiver for comfort. A gentle hug and cleanup of the injury tell the child his feelings matter in that moment. When a teen texts a parent and says, “I made the team!” and the parent says, “I’m so proud of you,” there is security in the relationship. These moments are examples that help the growing child become an adult who can emotionally regulate experiences of life.
A Secure Relationship With a Caregiver Allows Children to Improve Emotional Regulation Throughout Their Lives
I think we can all think of examples from our lives when an adult or caregiver did not provide a secure response. Sometimes caregivers or adults talked us out of our feelings because the caregiver was uncomfortable with the emotion. Well-meaning comments like, “Cheer up” or “Don’t be sad” involve asking children to change how they are feeling. However, it turns out that we learn to regulate our feelings more easily when our emotions are understood. A secure relationship with a caregiver in childhood improves our ability to emotionally regulate as teens and into adulthood.
Trauma Experiences and the Role of Connection
There are experiences that can occur in childhood or adulthood that overwhelm our autonomic nervous system. Trauma is an event that leaves us feeling changed and different from what we were before the event. Experiences like natural disasters, severe accidents or injuries, loss of loved ones, abuse, or chronic neglect are some examples of traumas. Our autonomic nervous system is wired to keep us connected. When our nervous system sends cues that we are safe, we are able to be socially engaged with others. Connection helps us reach out to others for support when we need to emotionally regulate. However, a traumatic experience can alter the autonomic nervous system to be wired for protection and keep us away from a connection. When our nervous system detects a threat, we naturally respond with fight, flight, or freeze. These are protective actions to keep us alive.
A Loss In Connection Results in Less Secure Relationships
When there is a loss of connection, it’s understandable to see how relationships become less secure. Trauma is a disrupter of connection, and we need a connection to feel secure. If we don’t have moments of security to promote attachment, then emotional regulation becomes more difficult. Helping our autonomic nervous system means repairing connections. Repairing connection means helping people feel understood, seen, and safe.
Here are some tips to promote safety, security, and connection in relationships after trauma:
Work to recognize the feeling a person is sharing.
Resist the urge to fix things for the person.
Explore opportunities for social connection and engagement such as: playing games, going for a walk, working on a puzzle together, coloring or drawing together, or getting a cup of coffee together.
With children, remain present and engaged with the child during play. Support free play that allows the child to expand their own imagination without interference from caregivers.
Support a person learning what promotes feelings of safety (within their environment, within relationships, and within their bodies).
Promote feelings of consistency by having predictable routines.
Celebrate and provide positive feedback when the person uses social support for emotional regulation.
If You Have Experienced Trauma and Are Ready to Begin the Healing Process, Trauma Therapy in Butte, MT is Here to Support You.
Sarah Bernhardt is serving the Butte community by counseling people of all ages who have experienced trauma, anxiety, depression, attachment-related concerns, and parenting issues. She is trained in EMDR, Child Parent Psychotherapy, Circle of Security-Parenting, Core Sensitives, Polyvagal Theory, and Play Therapy. Sarah is primarily person-centered, and attachment-focused, with elements of cognitive-behavioral therapy and mindfulness.
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Additional Online Mental Health Services in Montana
From our Montana counseling clinics, our therapists can help you through a number of issues including anxiety, worry, stress, depression, and more. Our caring team of therapists and professional mental health staff are here for you and your loved ones. Visit us for addiction treatment, group counseling sessions, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing for trauma therapy, body image counseling, opportunities to explore coping patterns, marriage counseling and couples therapy, postpartum depression and anxiety counseling, mindfulness training, workshops, and more tools for client education. In addition to counseling, we also offer psychiatric care. We look forward to talking with you soon!