STYLES OF COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIPS
A long-term Harvard study of health and happiness in humans indicates that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships have a powerful influence on our health. The study has indicated that close relationships, more than money, fame, or other socially lauded markers of success, are what keep people happy and healthy throughout their lives, suggesting that investing in the wellness of our relationships is one of the best forms of self-care.
Fostering and maintaining relationships relies heavily on our ability to effectively communicate with the people in our lives. While every person has their unique way of communicating, there are 4 basic communication styles: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive.
Building the capacity to identify which type you gravitate toward and which ones your partners or friends utilize can be supportive in navigating conflict and enhancing bids for connection. Being intentional about the communication style you utilize in a given interaction can significantly impact the way the communication is received. Thus, it is important to understand each style and why people use them.
Passive:
The passive communicator is commonly seen as the wallflower, frequently yielding to others. Passive communicators often default to “bottling up” emotions, either out of deference to others or due to being unaware of or ignoring their own thoughts, feelings, and desires. This communication style presents itself as “easygoing,” when in reality, they are often avoidant of conflict and fearful of disapproval from others. This shows up in relationships as defaulting to the other’s desires, avoiding being the decision maker, and refusing to take the lead - this person is likely the one who answers, “I don’t care, whatever you feel like” when asked what they want to eat or how they want to spend the day.
Aggressive:
The aggressive communicator is hard to miss - they are the “steamrollers” of the conversation. This communication style is often emphasized by loud speaking voice, direct eye contact and dominating or controlling of the conversation. The aggressive communicator tends to override others’ opinions, make demands and be critical, even hostile. They can tend to dominate conversations and activities by blaming, intimidating, threatening or attacking others. This shows up in our relationships through yelling, not considering others’ feelings in the moment and refusing to back down - you will often hear all or nothing phrases like “It’s my way or the highway,” “It’s all your fault,” “You never do anything right.”
Passive-Aggressive:
The passive-aggressive communicator is the one that leave you feeling baffled or confused.
This communication style is usually a result of the person struggling to effectively voice their thoughts or emotions, which leads them to become frustrated, irritable, and resentful. This resentment is then acted out in an attempt to relieve their discomfort, coming across as indirect, critical, or sarcastic. This shows up as appearing indifferent when they are angry, denying a problem when it is clear they are upset - the difficulty acknowledging their emotions leads to non-verbals (facial expressions, body language) that don’t correlate with how they feel. The confusion of the mismatch of their body language and their words tends to alienate others. These communicators will be the ones giving you the silent treatment or undermining you behind your back.
Assertive:
The assertive communicator is the one who makes you feel heard and considered. Their style has openness, care, and strength without dominance. The assertive communicator can be considerate of differences while making their voice heard, without imposing on others. These communicators can express their own needs, ideas, desires, and feelings, while also considering those of the people around them. These communicators are not only great listeners, but they are equally equipped with confidence and security in sharing their opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Ultimately, they are good at having healthy boundaries when it comes to communication. The hallmark of an assertive communicator is that they can strike a balance between sharing and listening.
Assessing your own style:
While it is unlikely that you will be able to change someone else’s communication style, knowing how you interact and assessing your style of communication can support you in effective communication in your relationships. Understanding your style of communication can support you in making adjustments in your delivery if you find that your methods are clashing with your efforts to communicate with someone. A good place to start is to try and identify your default communication style - where do you land when you are not thinking about how you’re interacting? While being an assertive communicator is what we strive for, we may not naturally arrive there. Being able to be aware of your natural style of communication can be the first step in becoming more intentional about how we communicate, and thus, more effective in our relationships.
Slowing down:
If you are finding that you are struggling to communicate effectively, often the first step is to slow down. Take a pause before responding, regardless of what communication style your partner, colleague or friend has, as not feeling heard is the most common reason most people do not communicate effectively. If you can slow down and respond with intention, reflecting what you have heard back to the other, you leave room for them to clarify what you have misunderstood or confirm your accurate understanding, leaving less room for misunderstanding leading to conflict. The act of slowing down and pausing, allows you to respond rather than react - a great first step in moving toward assertive communication.
Feeling Stuck? Begin Relationship Coaching in Bozeman, MT
Effective communication can be challenging, but it’s a challenge worth facing knowing that so much of our health and happiness is a result of our ability to engage in and hold close relationships. If you are feeling that you need help to improve your communication, our team of caring therapists would be honored to help you build your skills.
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Other Therapy Services We Offer in Bozeman, MT
Our team of caring counselors at Bridger Peaks Counseling is happy to provide a variety of mental health services. Our team is happy to offer services including adult counseling, teen counseling, group therapy, rising strong workshops, and marriage counseling. Furthermore, we provide anxiety therapy, depression treatment, substance use counseling, and online grief counseling. Along with EMDR, postpartum depression support, body image therapy, and psychiatric care.