I was recently reminded of the value of asking for help while on a several day backpacking trip with friends. Four of us are more recent friends and one woman had never been backpacking before. Because she did not want to be a “burden” to the rest of us, she didn’t let us know until the second day of our 30 mile trip that she had begun to develop blisters on her toes and heels. Once she finally showed me and another friend, we all realized she needed help - she had four of the largest blisters I have ever seen and we had 15 more miles to hike. She had been trying to care for herself the best she could, but did not have the supplies she needed.
Once she asked for help, we were all able to work together to gather mole skin, gauze and other first aid supplies - one woman even offered to switch boots with her for a day! It reminded me that so many of us are hesitant to ask for help, resulting in our needs not being met for far longer than is necessary, causing us to suffer in silence for far too long. This is true for our emotional needs, as well. Many of us bury our pain or hold on to unnecessary resentment rather than ask for our emotional needs to be met. Asking for help not only helps ease our burden, it benefits our relationships by fostering authentic connection and trust.
Why is Asking for help so hard?
Often, the primary reason we avoid asking for help is fear - fear that we will be embarrassed, turned down or judged. We hold on to hope that others will notice our needs and meet them or offer help, removing the uncomfortable process of having to ask. This is somewhat due to a cognitive bias called the illusion of transparency. The illusion of transparency is the mistaken belief that our needs, feelings and thoughts are evident to other people. So, we wait for people in our life to step in, assuming our needs are obvious to others and avoiding the discomfort of having to ask.
Additionally, asking for help carries socially constructed risks that many of us buy into: we are “too much” or “too needy” if we name our needs, or we will be thought less of for not being self-reliant. Finally, we tend to (inaccurately) assume that others are unwilling to help, or overestimate how inconvenienced people would feel by our requests. Pair all of this with most people’s discomfort with lack of control, rejection and vulnerability, and it’s no surprise that people so often shy away from asking for help.
How to Ask for Help
1. Check in with yourself
Begin regularly checking in with yourself and naming your emotions and needs. This will help you to cultivate internal awareness and understanding, which will make identifying when you need support and what support you need easier. The better you understand your own emotions and need, the easier it will be to communicate them clearly when you choose to express them to others.
2. Practice
You may have become comfortable with avoiding asking for help, which likely means you’re out of practice. Begin practicing naming your needs to others with things that feel “low stakes.” For example, if someone asks what you want to do or where you want to eat, rather than deferring to them or saying you don’t care, practice checking in with yourself and voicing your opinion. Similarly, if someone offers help, practice accepting their offer, to build comfort with releasing some control. Like any skill, the more you practice, the more comfortable you will become with asking for and accepting support.
3. Consider the who, where and when
Being intentional about who you choose to reach out to is important. Ideally, if you are needing emotional support, turn to a person in your life you trust and feel safe with. If you do not have somebody you feel comfortable turning to, consider therapy or a support group.
Choosing the right time and place - a private setting where you feel secure at a time when the person you will be talking to can focus their attention on you - can also make asking for your needs feel more comfortable.
4. Be as clear and specific as you can
We so often assume people know what we are feeling or what we need, but as much as people may care about us, they are not mind readers. Being direct and specific will help the person you ask be most effective in getting you the help you need or in meeting the emotional need that exists.
Start the conversation directly by letting the person know you need to talk to them about something important, so they can recognize it is time for them to pay close attention. Use assertive, specific language rather than being vague, so that they know clearly what you are needing from them (e.g. I am feeling lonely, can we spend some time together this week?). If you don’t know what you need, say that directly, too (e.g. I have been feeling depressed lately. I know I need help, but I am not sure what that looks like. Can you help me come up with some ideas?).
5. Follow up
While acts of generosity can be their own reward, generally, people long to feel appreciated and effective. Following up with the person who supports you with both gratitude and tangible results of their help makes it clear that the support they gave matters. Expressing gratitude reminds people that they are valued and that what they did made a difference to you. Letting them know specifically how their support helped you reinforces that value and makes it easier to know how to support you in the future.
Summary
While asking for help can be difficult, the benefit of support is significant to our overall well-being and fosters connection in relationships. If you are in need of support, our team of caring therapists would be honored to help you. To start therapy with Bridger Peaks Counseling, please follow these simple steps:
Meet with one of our professional Bozeman mental health therapists