How many times had I heard something along the lines of, “The days are long, but the years are short.”?
When my husband and I had children, we never had the conversation about what it would be like when they would reach the age when they would leave home. It was never a thought either of us had time to formulate between less sleep, more feeding, more crying, less us time, baby cuddles, laughter, less me time, bonding, less sleep, more feeding…again. You know, keeping small humans alive and whatnot.
But, here we are. Another child has stepped out into the adult world.
I mean, first off, I don’t feel old enough to have children who have moved out, flown the coop, whatever. Can you tell I’m not super excited about this? Which, honestly, is a little confusing to me. How many times have the two of us talked about how amazing it would be once the kids left home and we would have so much more time to ourselves? We could travel more, sleep more, worry less about being quiet in our own room, engage in more personal hobbies; you know, live it up. It would be like we were honeymooners again after all these years!
So why are we both crying…again. I don’t mean to paint the picture that my husband and I are crybabies (okay, maybe we are a little), but we have been weepy the last few days. Even a little raw feeling. Things that may not have been such a big deal before, suddenly are. It’s harder to navigate relationship issues in a positive way when your heart already hurts. It’s hard to realize everything you’ve put nearly your last two decades into has become exactly what you hoped they would, successfully moving on to fulfill their dreams and life, and you’re supposed to be excited about it. I am trying to tell myself I deserve a pat on the back for all that successful work, but I’m too busy with the Kleenexes to reach my back.
Okay, in all reality, we’re surviving, even thriving. We are traveling more now that the kids are older and/or moved out. We do spend more time together. We are dating more and stronger than ever as a couple. We’ve become closer than we even knew we could. (Build your relationship now so you can have a relationship when they leave! Read here for those tips. https://www.bozemancounseling.org/blog/2021/1/10/what-now-11-tools-to-help-with-that.) We focus on our careers in a more effective way.
We are doing all kinds of things we couldn’t when life was consumed with the job of nourishing small humans.
Note to self: This adjustment time is rough.
But it is just that. A time, and it will pass, too.
It might take a bit, and that’s ok. Give yourself time to be sad, to grieve. There is no specific timeline. You don’t have to listen to those telling you to “get over it,” “It’s supposed to be this way,” “You’ll be fine.” Take the time you need to process it before moving on. Then do just that. Move on when you’re ready.
Remember when you forgot who you were because you couldn’t see past the mashed peas in your hair, and you had to tell your friends you couldn’t go anywhere when they called? Now is the time to call them! Or to find that new community that has similar interest to you so you can grow in those hobbies and talents. It doesn’t matter if the kids went to college, a foreign land, or down the road. Now is the time for you to remember who you were; to remember who you are!
That child will call. They will come home. They will become the amazing adults you spent time teaching them to be. Maybe you will even become wonderful friends with these awesome adults. You gave them the roots to grow and the wings to fly, now let them. After you have sent them off, given them love, an invitation to come home often, as hard as it might be, step back and watch them as they fly, while you remember them in those long days and short years.
You’ve got this, Mom and Dad.
