I recently spoke to a newspaper reporter who had questions about current issues of returning to school and how to be there for children and self during such a different time. As I thought about this in-depth, I realized that COVID-19 has shown a light on this need that’s always been present. We always need help combatting issues that arise, both now, and throughout our children’s lives.
Navigating the Divide
I get it. It is harder now as the divide continues to widen during such unprecedented times. Do you send your kids to school or keep them home? Maybe you encourage them to wear masks, or maybe you are against them. You may identify strongly with one party or the other. Wherever you stand on each of these issues, how you behave, speak, and show an example to your children can be a life skill for them. Are you teaching intolerance of the other opinion? Or are you demonstrating trying to understand where they are coming from? Most decisions are not made in a flippant way, yet we often forget that what is best for us is not necessarily what is best for everyone.
There is a need for kindness and acceptance in our differences. In these differences, we each are generally striving for a better place for our children and ourselves. This is most often done from a place we feel is the best for them. And even our neighbor who does it differently than we do is usually coming from this place, too.
Kids & Teens are Watching
As hard as it may be for the adult in this situation, your children will be leaning on you, looking to you, and learning from you. During this, adults need to self-care, not self-medicate. Think of carrying around a bucket full of water. In this role, you are ladling water to your kids, their school, their activities, and their well-being. Oh, and maybe you are married and have a job and your own friends, so you are ladling water to them too. Suddenly, you realize you're scraping the bottom of your bucket, trying to give more, and can’t understand why your anxiety, anger, and/or depression have increased.
We cannot give what we do not have. When your children, people, and places need you, how do you give them something you do not have? Refilling your bucket will help you give in a less anxious, more-kind way. What fills your bucket? If you don’t know, find out and start doing it!
Remember, your children and teens are stressed, too. They may not understand when they are, but with everything going on, they have stress too. They may act out and be impatient. Or maybe they are not acting themselves, becoming more withdrawn. Do they need their bucket refilled? What can you do to help them?
Creating Connection with Your Child or Teen
As a starter, be there for them! Hear them. Validate them. Have empathy even if what they say looks different from your experiences. Refrain from telling them they should behave or believe as you did when you were young.
When was the last time you took your child on a date (even just a walk around the block)? When you are together, ask about them, then listen. Don’t correct. Remember your child is a growing, developing human whose brain is maturing. And during the teen years especially, they are navigating what independence looks like. Give them a moment to figure things out before you correct them. Allow them to make mistakes in a safe, non-judgmental way. This allows them to feel confident in trying, failing, and getting back up when they are supported instead of criticized. This dynamic helps you connect with your child.
Believe things they say. Assume the best from them. Don’t immediately criticize them for an action or statement. PAUSE! Then, allow them to talk and explain. Are your return statements and actions setting them up for failure or success? Oftentimes, we assume things and our children may be right. And that’s okay!
I’ve said this in other blogs, but if you are with your child, be with your child. Even with everything else you have going on, they will feel if you are present with them or not. Wherever you are, be there!
Remember, during adolescence, friends are important to your child. Their opinions are important to them. Validate your teen’s fears, excitements, and worries about their friend’s opinions. Then, engage in a conversation that will allow for you to understand where they are what they need from you. Chances are, they may only need a safe, listening ear.
Helping Your Child Find Control
There are few places children and teens have control of themselves and their choices. Think about what it is like for adults to have no choice, to have nothing given to us to guide us. This is not to say our children do not need guidance and teaching, only that we can provide for them at home what they may not get other places. And, especially during the pandemic, we are one of their main sources of information and interaction.
Further, this allows them to become more connected to us as they learn we trust their choices. As the parent or care-taker, you make the frame. Letting them help you create that fame can give children and teens a sense of control. Allow them to make choices within that frame. If your rule is your children shower daily, let them choose if they want to have the blue towel or the green one! If they are worried about going to bed, let them choose if they go with no nightlight or a nightlight. At storytime, do they want one or two books (that choice alone may lessen the time a parent spends saying no when they beg for “just one more!”)?
Control During the Teen Years
During the teen years, an example of considering their input could be “what time can we come to a compromise on for curfew?” And within that frame, what arrangements can they make to get home? Giving them some power and say helps teens become independent decision-makers. And they will be more often wanting to rise to the occasion to make good decisions as they are experiencing trust from you.
Talk about what they CAN control. One thing occasionally used in therapy is having a child, teen, or adult trace their hand. Once that is finished, have them think of a hard situation, then write or draw the things within the hand they can control. After that, have them write or draw the things outside of the hand they have no control over. Finally, talk about it.
When we do these things, we begin to create a safe place for our children to come to when times get harder. As you may have noticed, I believe the best tool to combat…whatever the issue, is connection. And connection develops through time, talking, respect in vulnerability and differences, and love toward each other. As you may have experienced, there are times it is wonderful and times it is not easy. In either case, be gentle with yourself in your experiences. You are trying. Keep it up! Remember, you got this!
Kory Ann Rogers, MS, LCPC, ACLC, Clinical Director
About the Author
I believe people are born good and have an innate drive to constantly do better. I also believe when things happen in our lives that prevent us from reaching that potential, we may need gentle guidance to help us reach the potential we desire. Working together, we will strive to find the ways that will individually suit you, using your strengths, to help you reach your personal goals. Having worked with individuals from age 7 to 90, couples, individuals, and families, there is a need for diversity in counseling to reach people where they are.
Working with couples, we resolve conflict, improve relational satisfaction, communication skills, and gain an understanding of dysfunctional interactions. Working with families, we seek to reduce distress and conflict by improving interactions. When part of the system is cracked, broken, or just needs work, the guidance of counseling can be helpful.
Counseling can be, and is, very effective when both parties work for the desired outcome. As a counselor, I will work with you to help you reach your personal goals. My goal is to aid, support, guide, and advocate for you during this time.
Check Out Teen Counseling in Bozeman, MT
Parenting in a pandemic is hard! If you’re reading this blog, it’s likely that you’re seeking support for connecting with your child or teen. Our Bozeman, MT-based counseling practice offers teen counseling to help teens and parents navigate the adolescence period. If you’re interested in getting your teen into teen counseling in Bozeman, follow the steps below.
Connect with us by scheduling an appointment.
Your teen will be matched with one of our teen therapists.
Reconnect with your teen and begin building a healthy relationship.
Other Services at Bridger Peaks
Our counseling practice in Bozeman, MT provides an array of services to meet your mental health needs. We offer couples therapy and marriage counseling to help you reconnect with your partner. On the other hand, we provide individual counseling, anxiety treatment, postpartum depression treatment, and more! And all of our services are available to anyone in the state of Montana using online therapy. Reach out to us with any questions or to schedule an appointment.