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Boundaries...

BOUNDARIES: THE FOUNDATION OF GOOD SELF-CARE

There is a lot of talk about the importance of healthy boundaries in popular culture these days, but what exactly are they? 

Boundaries are Rigid & Selfish… Right?

When I ask others this question as a therapist, the answers I hear most often paint a picture of rigid demands or ultimatums that ignore others’ needs while prioritizing our own. Some people use imagery such as erecting a wall or drawing a line in the sand. Many people express concern that boundaries are inherently selfish and therefore undesirable. Much of the language I hear is confrontational. Almost all of it is outwardly focused. 

It’s no wonder that so many of us experience anxiety around this topic! Perhaps further exploration of the nature and purpose of boundaries can help. 

What Is The Purpose of Boundaries?

Brene Brown defines boundaries simply as “what’s ok and what’s not ok” (Brown, 2016). In her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, Nedra Tawwab defines them as “expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships” (Tawwab, 2021). Note both of these definitions describe boundaries as ways we care for ourselves, rather than as measures we take to punish or manage others’ behavior. 

Brown’s research suggests a direct correlation between healthy boundaries and compassion (Brown, 2016). If this seems counterintuitive, it may be due to some common misconceptions about what it means to be kind. Many of us are conditioned in a variety of ways to view conflict avoidance and self-sacrifice as kind, Therefore assertive communication and self-care are seen as selfish. What if these views are themselves contributing to many of our challenges with stress, overwhelm, anxiety, and relationships? 

Not Having Boundaries For Myself Only Hurt Me

I spent much of my life equating kindness with conflict avoidance and self-sacrifice. The majority of my time was spent attending to the needs of others while doing my best to minimize my own. I regularly said yes to things I didn’t actually have the time, energy, or desire to do. Which made me burn the candle at both ends to make good on my word. I mostly bit my tongue about various hurts and disappointments, telling myself this was taking the higher road. I prided myself on being unconditionally available, reliable, supportive, and – above all – not “needy.”

It Hurts Our Well-Being & Relationships

One problem (among many) with this approach is that it is corrosive to our relationships and overall well-being. We all have practical, emotional, physical, spiritual, and relational needs. No matter how much we try to minimize or deny them. When we are not aware of and actively engaged in tending to them, they take on an outsized role in our lives and relationships. We can feel disconnected from our own personal agency. Our relationships can become breeding grounds for frustration and resentment. When we chronically and habitually say yes when we really mean no or bite our tongues to keep the peace, we water the seeds of that resentment. 

Putting Yourself First Is Necessary

Anyone who has flown on a commercial airline has heard the directive to secure your own oxygen mask before helping others. I’ll admit when I was a new mother, I thought this was absolutely ridiculous! It was unfathomable for me to consider attending to my own needs before caring for my child. Over time, however, I’ve come to better understand the wisdom of this principle. Self-care is a necessity, not a luxury item. And healthy boundaries are the foundational building blocks of good self-care. 

Brene Brown describes clarity as the basis of true kindness. She sums this up in a simple statement adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind” (Brown, 2019). When we are reflective and honest with ourselves and others about our capacity, limitations, desires, preferences, etc., we create clarity in our relationships. This type of clarity promotes trust, security, and authenticity. It allows us to maintain a generous view of others, and to make intentional choices in line with our self-knowledge about what we want and need. Through doing so, we absolve others of the impossible task of reading our minds and reclaim a sense of personal agency in our lives. We begin watering some different seeds. 

Have You Found Your Clarity With Boundaries?

Think of a situation or relationship you are currently struggling with. Are you acting from the knowledge that clear is kind in this dynamic? Are you taking the steps necessary to secure your own oxygen mask first? If not, it may be an indication that clearer boundaries could help. According to Tawwab (2021), these signs can help us identify when clearer boundaries are needed: 

  • Feeling overwhelmed

  • Being resentful toward people for asking for help

  • Avoiding phone calls and interactions with people who might ask for something 

  • Making comments about helping people and getting nothing in return

  • Feeling burned out

  • Frequently daydreaming about dropping everything and disappearing

  • Having no time for yourself

This list is by no means comprehensive but can be useful in assessing the health of our boundaries in various areas.

Start Setting Boundaries With Yourself

While some boundaries require an explicit conversation with another person, not all do. The following are just a few examples of ways we can begin experimenting with boundaries all on our own:

  • Saying no to things we do not have the time, energy, capacity, or desire to do

  • Scheduling time for ourselves and filling it with things that feed us

  • Limiting our engagement with people, activities, media, etc. which leave us feeling drained

  • Prioritizing rest and recreation

As you consider what areas of your life could benefit from improved boundaries, remember that they are fundamentally about taking good care of ourselves. As Brown says, “people learn to treat us based on how they see us treating ourselves… boundaries are a function of self-respect and self-love” (Brown, 2017). 

Get Guidance & Support With Therapy in Bozeman, MT

Reaching out for support from a therapist is an act of self-care within itself. Through therapy, you can start finding clarity and learn how to prioritize yourself. If you’re ready to begin counseling at our Bozeman, MT-based practice, follow the steps below.

  1. Reach out to make an appointment.

  2. Start meeting with one of our dedicated and understanding therapists.

  3. Have confidence while setting boundaries with yourself and others

Other Counseling Services at Bridger Peaks in Montana

The skilled therapists at our therapy practice in Montana provide many services. Whether you’re in need of adult counseling, teen counseling, group therapy, rising strong workshops, or marriage counseling, we can help. Furthermore, we provide anxiety treatment, depression therapy, substance use counseling, and online grief counseling. Along with EMDR, trauma therapy, postpartum depression support, body image therapy, and psychiatric care. And, all of our services are accessible using online therapy in Montana.

Citations

Boundaries with Brene Brown. (2016). The Work of the People. Retrieved July 9, 2022, from https://www.theworkofthepeople.com/boundaries

Brown Brené. (2017). Rising strong: How the ability to reset transforms the way we live, Love, parent, and lead. Random House.

Brown Brené. (2019). Dare to lead: Brave work, tough conversations, whole hearts. Random House Large Print.

Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. A TarcherPerigee book.